Reflections on 2017

Welcome to reflections on 2017 and my lovely little life!

2017 started with a three-week solo trip through Guatemala in search for…who really knows what?! Fun? Adventure? Because I want to travel and (shocker) I’m not getting any younger? I was excited about taking a long backpacking trip alone, my first trip of this nature – until about two days before when I panicked and considered canceling my trip. What in the world have I gotten myself into? I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. After some much needed encouragement from friends and knowing I really needed this for myself, I boarded that plane with a single 40L Osprey backpack and a shit ton of (fears), hopes and dreams.

Guatemala turned out to be everything I didn’t even know I needed. There was something about the rawness of the journey, and learning how to trust myself that changed the confidence I had in myself. Sure, I’ve always been good in school and sports, but I lacked the ability to be completely alone and be ok with it (truth be told, I'm still working on this). During the trip, I was uncomfortable at times, dirty even and tired and somehow found a way to make meaningful connections with strangers (and if I’m being completely honest) without worrying about what they thought about my appearance.  Then, just like that, time with those strangers ended and I learned to let go of them, leaving only memories to cherish. I learned that there is often a time to let go and it’s ok to do so. It doesn’t devalue the experience.

So many times we hold onto what we think we need, or who we hoped would be in our life forever because it’s comfortable, because we love someone, or because we forget to continuously reflect on our own growth, wants, and needs. At the end of the day, we change. Other people change. And it’s ok. What matters is living a life that means something, even if to no one else but yourself. I learned to take a leap of faith and trust the journey even though there were many times I had no idea where I was going. This trip allowed me to become more of myself when I thought I had lost the best of who I was. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I took a few other shorter trips to Palm Springs and Las Vegas in March, San Francisco in April for a medical-surgical nursing conference, Bass Lake for my 10^th summer at Sierra Sleepaway Camp in August (by the way, how has it been 10 years already?!), Denver in October with my dear friend Kelly to celebrate my 31^st birthday, San Diego in November for a diabetes conference, and Portland in December with my nursing school BFF Ana to celebrate the end of finals and successfully trudging through the mud of our 4^th semester of nursing school.

By the grace of God I ended up with 2^nd row tickets to Garth Brooks in July (who definitely made eye contact with me that night!! I can die now…) and 2^nd row tickets to Bruno Mars in November with my mom and sister – all I can say is those were two of the best concert experiences of MY LIFE. Live music has my heart and soul forever. To round out 2017, after four hard semesters, I have still managed a 4.0 in nursing school and in May I started working as a Care Partner (nursing assistant) at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles in the hematology/oncology department, where I think I’ve found my calling, at least for now (I’m cursed with the gift of always wanting more challenges to face).

I am frequently asked how I deal with kids with cancer (isn’t that so sad, they say) and yes, it is. I’ve lost a couple kids this year and let me tell you, it never gets any easier. But here’s why I’ve fallen in love with pediatric oncology. I know what it’s like living with a chronic illness. Type 1 diabetes is not cancer, but every day is a battle, every day my patients and I fight for our lives, and every day that I am blessed to be a part of these kiddos’ lives is another day I’m beyond grateful for everything I have in my own life. There’s something about both of our journeys being ongoing that has called my heart to want to take care of kids like me – brave enough to fight another day even when it would be so much easier to throw in the towel. What’s further, a cancer diagnosis impacts the entire family. It’s life-changing. Even the caretakers need to be cared for. It’s the same with the family of a type 1 diabetic. Our families are impacted from the moment we learn of our diagnosis. They lose sleep worrying about us. Their phones alarm constantly with notifications of high or low blood sugars. They wonder if we will wake up each morning. It’s the joy in taking care of the entire family that fuels my soul.

As I look back on 2017, I admit this has been one of my most challenging years. I’ve faced several obstacles and been riddled with bouts of depression, severe anxiety, and even a couple panic attacks. But I never gave up. I never quit, and I never will. Because for every low this past year, I’ve been blessed with 10+ beautiful and positive opportunities, friendships, and lessons you only get from walking through the fires in hell. And as I look forward to 2018, I am looking at a year rich with new experiences and lots of new changes! In 2018 I will be traveling to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam, I will graduate with my masters’ in nursing, I will be taking and passing the NCLEX to get my RN license, I will be moving to wherever hires me into their new graduate residency program,  and so much more that I don’t even know about yet! I’m practicing a lot of self-compassion and giving myself permission to lead a big life!

If you’re reading this, chances are you have touched me with your support, inspired me with your ambitions and creativity, loved me through my weakest moments, and prayed for me with blessings of good health, success, and happiness. Thank you for choosing to be a part of my life. I do hope you’ll stay a while. 

May God bless you on your journey this upcoming year and HELLOOOOOO 2018!

love,

torrey leigh

2016: My Year in Review!

I charged into 2016 like a bowling ball spinning quickly down the lane towards the pins, each pin being a goal I set for myself. The thing is, I’m actually a horrible bowler and if we were to measure my 2016 goals with bowling pins, I’ve only knocked down about half of them. I guess it’s a good thing that 2016 can be measured in so much more than bowling pins. Yes, I set goals for myself, and yes, I only accomplished about half of them. But here’s the thing – when I look back on 2016 and everything I’ve done, and everywhere I’ve been, the glass is completely and utterly half full. I invite you to take a trip down memory lane with me as I recount how special and unique each day is, and share the value of what one short year really means for each of us.

January began like every other year, full of hopes and dreams and big ideas. I went to a conference in New York City at the end of the month with my “romantic” travel buddy and co-worker. Her I explored the city, saw Kinky Boots, met up with old friends, made new friends, and wandered around Central Park in the snow. We found the best lattes in the city (Bibble &Sip and Blue Dog Kitchen), and became experts at navigating the subway system like New Yorkers.

In February, I was introduced to Soul Cycle and fell in love. When you mix a dance party with a dark room, blaring music that gets your blood pumping, and instructors that somehow always have the right message that speaks directly to your heart, you have no other choice but to become addicted, obsessed.

In March, I finally did something I’ve been talking about doing for years. I did a solo yoga retreat at Sagrada Wellness - highly recommend this place for a retreat! I met two really incredible women there who challenged me on what it means to be truly happy and living the life that I’m meant to live, for me. I had applied to nursing school but gave notice I was quitting my job after five amazingly opportunistic years in April, before I knew if I was accepted to nursing school or not. I had such a strong gut feeling that it was going to work out in my favor so I took a huge leap of faith. Also in April, I decided to make the switch from insulin injections to an insulin pump. That may have been the single most important and freeing decision I made this entire year. The pump has given me back so much freedom in managing a chronic disease that is type one diabetes.

In May I ended a yearlong relationship with someone who I really loved and still care for. He probably doesn’t know this, but our relationship defined commitment for me. Like anything in life, things don’t always work out the way you thought they would, but that’s ok. There’s a reason for it all. Right about the time we broke up, I celebrated (yes, celebrated!) my two-year anniversary with type one diabetes. I’ve told a few people this, but the craziest thing about my life with diabetes is that I can’t even remember what it was like to live without it. I know that doesn’t make sense on paper – I lived 27 years without it and have only had it for two years, but it’s true. Before the finger pricks, and the insulin injections, and the carb counting, what was life like? I can’t even remember. I also credit type one for saving my life. I know it can be hard to wrap your head around how a chronic and lifelong disease could save your life, but what I really mean is that diabetes gave me life, and it gave me purpose. I have no other choice but to be extremely grateful for that opportunity to live life in each moment – to be here, now.

The end of May I took a trip with my mom and sister to Zion National Park. This trip was super special for me. We got to see Peter Pan at the Red Rocks Amphitheater (KILLER setting for a stage), relaxed by the river, and hiked some beautiful trails. In fact, I think my family disowned me on this trip for making them wake up at 5am (neither of them are morning people) to go hike a strenuous Angel’s Landing with me (neither of them are avid hikers either!). But hey, at least we got coffee first! I was really proud of my mom for making it ALL the way to the top of this hike. Angel’s Landing is a steep hike, with narrow ledges, and chains at the top and they call it Angel’s Landing because it’s so high up only angels can land there. You get to the top and you’ll see what I mean. It’s worth every single step.

I found out in June that I got accepted into the University of San Francisco’s Entry Level Master’s of Nursing program, just weeks before I celebrated my last day at my job of five years. What a relief that good news was…!

I also took a trip with some of my very best friends to Lake Arrowhead for the weekend and subsequently got a ticket in the mail weeks later for driving in the “express lane” that I knew nothing about. Some of the highlights include making summer brew in a cooler which we dragged a mile down to the beach and waded across the lake to drink it on somebody else’s dock (which we thought was our own), getting a ride on some guy’s boat because we called him over to pet his dog, double French braiding everyone’s hair like we were on the 7^th grade girls’ volleyball team again, and giving our crew the name Loch Leven Seven which included six girls and the tiniest dog alive.

July brought about a lot of changes. I moved out of my amazing duplex home in Culver City, threw all my stuff in storage (aka mom’s and sister’s houses) and headed up to Oregon to visit my long time friend since preschool and her husband! With equal parts hiking, waterfalls, wine, beer, and binge watching the entire season of Stranger Things, we adventured through Oregon letting the directions of the compass be our guide. We went West to Florence, a coastal Oregon city and took the hobbit trail down to the beaches, North to Silver Falls State Park where we hiked ten waterfalls in seven miles, and East to Willamette National Forest where we soaked in Cougar Reservoir, a natural hot springs with five pools and shared a picnic on a row boat in the middle of Clear Lake. I also fell in love with Cucumber Sour beers by 10 Barrel Brewing Co. (which are RIDICULOUSLY hard to find in California, so if you find any send them my way!) and a Malbec Rose from Silvan Ridge Winery. Who knew you could use Malbec and Rose in the same sentence?! YUM!

I moved into my new apartment in Orange, CA in August and the very next day I took off to Bass Lake to spend another summer with Sierra Sleep-Away (the absolute BEST outdoor water sports camp around in my totally unbiased opinion). This was the first time since being diagnosed that I felt like I had a diabetic emergency. My Omnipod insulin pump failed. And then it failed again. And then it failed AGAIN for the third time. (Side note - for all my diabetic pod friends out there, the horrible sound the pump makes when it malfunctions can be easily stopped by sticking a paper clip into the tiny green hole on the wider end of the pump underneath the white sticky piece.)

It was a Friday at 4:55pm when the third pod failed and getting a hold of someone in my doctor’s office to fax in a prescription for an insulin injection pen brought me to actual tears. For the first time since being diagnosed, I realized how helpless it makes you feel when you don’t have access to insulin. I was terrified I would end up in the hospital that weekend and pissed that I wasn’t getting the help I needed. Even with the pen, my blood sugar still shot up over 400 in the 3 days I was without my pump. The lesson learned here is ALWAYS travel with both types (long and fast acting) of insulin pens!

I survived that camping trip and got back to Orange just in time to start nursing school! A couple weeks later, I mourned the loss of the dad of two girls I used to coach in basketball to a two year fight against a rare form of cancer. He brought everyone along in his journey through his blog and I always thought he would make it through. Turns out, God had other plans for him. I just want to pass on his legacy with one simple phrase… KINDNESS…MORE.

In October, I turned 30! In the months leading up to my birthday I thought a lot about what I wanted to do to celebrate. When it all came down to it, I wanted to do something that I really love to do with the people that I really love to spend time with. I decided to go camp on the beach in Malibu. We built our own fire, made tin foil dinners, drank whiskey and wine, and roasted s’mores. By the way, are you ready for a s’mores life hack right now?! Use REESE’S instead of Hershey’s chocolate. Trust me on this one. My sister also threw me a surprise birthday dinner and I was fortunate enough to see Jimmy Buffett in concert with another dear friend of mine.

November was a rough month for me, like it was for so many Americans. The election results were devastating and I’ve had several conversations post-election with friends and family that have been raw, emotional, and not without tears. You’re entitled to your own beliefs and I won’t get into a political debate here, but I believe that human decency, kindness, and respect for all people are REAL THINGS. Apparently there is a large population of people who do not agree with that.

And just like that, we’ve made it to December! The holidays are my favorite time of year because people really make an effort to connect again with their loved ones. There’s so much magic and love in the air and everyone is thinking about how they are going to become bigger, better versions of themselves in the upcoming year. It’s really cool to see.

I lost a friend and incredible human being in a motorcycle accident earlier this month. He was only 32. His death taught me a lot about what it means to truly engage with people when you are in their presence, and how everyone has value in this world. He was humbly intelligent, charismatic, cosmopolitan, and embodied what it means to march to the beat of your own drum. We all could afford to do a little more of that.

I finished my first semester of nursing school and surprised myself with how well I did. I now have three weeks left of winter break, which I will be spending in Guatemala…

2016 has been a year full of change, opportunity, reflection, and growth. But, all chapters must end before you can start a new one. Each year, I’ve tried to come up with a word or phrase that will become my focus for that year. In 2015, it was simplify. 2016 was focused on change and growth. 2017 can only be captured by understanding there’s no tomorrow. Each morning begins in black and white, and you alone are charged with adding your own colors. Such is the beauty of life.

Wishing everyone, everywhere a safe and Happy New Year’s, and may your 2017 be full of life, love, and laughter - always.

xo

Torrey

Turning Three on Your 30th Birthday

I’m not turning thirty this year. I’m turning three.

Now, I know what you may be thinking. Three year olds don’t quit their full time jobs or move to a new city, or change careers all together. And sometimes three year olds can be unreasonable and have meltdowns under stress. While that may be true, this major transitional period in my life feels an awful lot like the major growth developments seen in that of a toddler. And if I’m being honest, the way my mom describes me as a three-year-old girl pretty much sums me up today too.

Because I gave up the stress and the worry from things that weren’t positively serving me, I’ve been able to focus on what’s important again. I’m relearning through the exploration of life and I’m rediscovering how to use all my senses again. I’m seeing the world in a whole new light.

During this past month without a job or a permanent place to live, I’ve learned more about myself than I have over the past couple years. I’ve been forced to face what matters. I’ve learned that I don’t need all my “stuff” – I’m talking clothes, shoes, furniture, etc. I don’t need all of that. I don’t even need a lot of money. But what I do need are my close friends and family and a home base where I feel safe. I’ve learned who my true friends are and I’ve learned how to ask for help. I’ve validated how important it is for me to always be willing to take people in during times of struggle, change, or transition and allow them to feel as at home as possible.

The greatest compliment I’ve ever received has nothing to do with how I look or what I’m wearing and I’ll never forget the first time I heard it. I was in high school and a friend came over to hang out and I told him to relax, get comfortable and take his shoes off. He replied that his feet stank so he would leave his shoes on. I remember telling him to stop being silly, that all our feet stink, and to take them off and get comfortable. I had no idea in that moment that I had had such a profound impact on him, but he later told me that I always made him feel right at home. To this day, that is still my proudest achievement in life. Did I make you feel better by listening to you, understanding you were hurting, and then trying to fix it by giving you a hug? See, isn’t that what three year olds do?!

Sharing with others, cooking with others, and being warm and welcoming to others is so incredibly important to me. I’ve learned that it is possible to love so hard and not be loved in return but that the unequal distribution of love doesn’t mean you should ever close off your heart. Sometimes people aren’t in the time or place in their life where they can give you what you can give them, and that’s ok. Give anyways and don’t let them go. We all need each other. Platonic friendships are equally as important to invest in as romantic relationships. It’s ok to build a support system, and a very large one at that. Make sure to ask for help if you’re lost or confused. Three year olds do it.

Fear is the only thing that cripples us and turns us into people we don’t want to be. Honesty is still always the best policy. Being open doesn’t make you stupid to love or to trust. It makes you wise beyond your years and allows a story to be written on your heart. Faith in God will wake you up each and every morning with a smile on your face and hope for a brighter day. It allows you to put one foot in front of the other even though you can’t see past your own two feet. Faith gives you the gift of being able to live in the present, knowing it’s all going to work out in the end. It allows trust in the journey, not the destination.

Finally, I’ve stopped caring about what day it is and what time it is. Three year olds don’t care about time, so why should I? I’ve been able to slow down the pace of my life so much that I’ve been able to think for myself again. I’ve been able to write, to create, to read, and to really, truly listen to others again. I lost that crucial piece of my soul when I was consumed with stress and worry. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again. I am my three-year-old self with eyes full of wonder and a passion for life, who wants to play and create and love, and who can’t stop smiling or giving people hugs.

Happy 3^rd Birthday to me :)

xo

T

Two Years to Type 1 Diabetes

It's amazing what a difference one little year makes. This time last year, I was "celebrating" my one year diaversary and reflecting on some realizations I had in my first year as a type 1 diabetic (that article can be found here if you're interested). After re-reading that post, all of those things I reflected on still hold true today. BUT - there have been some MAJOR advances in my thinking as well. As fate would have it, my two year anniversary happens to fall on the same date as the JDRF Imagine Gala, which I am so fortunate to be able to attend tonight (thank you, JR!). As always, the goal is still finding (and funding) a cure. If you happen to be moved by any of this, or just want to support the cause, you can donate directly to JDRF's Fund A Cure here - and if you do so, please let me know so I can properly THANK YOU!

So here we go...

1. Get a Pump! Or at Least Look Into Getting One...
I literally NEVER thought I would be the person to get a pump. I hated the idea of having something constantly attached to my body. I wasn't taking much insulin daily anyways, and my numbers were decent enough (a1c has consistently been under 7%) that I thought I didn't need one. I tried it out anyways and seriously... game changer. My numbers are so much better since being on the pump and I definitely don't miss the multiple daily injections. The ease and accuracy at which you can dose insulin has made a world of difference in my life and pens are now a thing of the past. Pumping changed my life.

2. The Value of Nutrition
This area is fairly new to me in relation to diabetes because I thought I had it all figured out (eat less carbs, and your

variability decreases, therefore decreasing the chances that your numbers will be all over the place). But, there's so much new research out there regarding how your body burns fat just as well as it burns glucose (also known as being in ketosis, not to be confused with ketoacidosis). There's still a lot I have to learn here so I won't spend a lot of time on it, but the bottom line is this: NUTRITION is the single most important factor in managing diabetes successfully. Every doctor will tell you that you can eat what you want (and you can) but eating what you want will not make you feel and perform at your best. I'm trying to be my best each and every day and the only way to do that is through nutrition. There's just no cutting corners on this one.

3. Don't Hide the Fact That You're Type 1!
Listen... let me put a disclaimer on this one. This is 100% a personal choice, but let me tell you why I choose not to keep it as a secret. I am currently taking the last of my prerequisite classes for nursing school (eek!) and we were looking at blood smears under the microscope trying to identify white blood cells. The class was curious about how those slides are made, and our professor wanted to show us but couldn't find a needle in the classroom to prick his finger. I sort of became the weird kid in class who just happened to have a finger stick in my purse, because DUH. So my professor then says "Let's talk later, I wrote a whole book on diabetes." Um, what?! He's a neurosurgeon and he wrote a book on diabetes. Turns out, he has an interesting perspective on diabetes and I never would have been able to learn from him had I not disclosed my condition in a classroom of strangers.
*Side note on this - one of my classmates thought I was going to pass whatever was "in my blood" to my professor by doing that. And like... I know I never change the lancet for myself, but come on! Oh and also, diabetes isn't contagious. Face palm. But, it was a moment I had to educate him a little bit about diabetes so I'll take that as a win.

4. When Your Passions Come Full Circle as a Wake-up Call From the Big Man Upstairs
In September I was fortunate enough to find an amazing diabetes doctor in Anne Peters, who believes in me sometimes more than I believe in myself. At my very first appointment with her, she kept asking me why I wasn't in medicine because I have this natural ability for understanding it all. That conversation sparked up a decade old dream that once upon a time began with a pre-med major at UCLA. I failed chemistry my first year and thought that maybe science just wasn't for me. Never mind the fact that I couldn't put down my neuroscience book and called my mom after every class to tell her EVERY SINGLE THING I learned that day. I ended up quitting pre-med because of that one class. This might sound crazy but there are times when I believe God gave me diabetes as a wake-up call, one that was meant to reinvigorate my love of science and stimulate this deep, burning desire that I have to go and make a real difference in the lives of other people. Whether or not you believe in God isn't really the point here. The point is that sometimes it takes years to figure out your place in this world. And sometimes that means you are on the verge of entering your 30s as you return to school. Again. For the third time. (Insert nervous breakdown here). Ha - just kidding! :)

5. The Hardest Part about Having Type 1 for Me
I was only diagnosed two years ago, and I lived 27 years without it. But I cannot for the life of me remember what life was like before all the finger pricks and the insulin injections and the carb counting. I look at other people eating whatever they want and I envy them for a moment, not because I want to eat what they're eating, but because I can't even remember what that was like to not have to make a million decisions a day. So for me, the hardest part about having diabetes has been having to make choices that I never had to make before.

Silver Linings
In some ways, it's gotten harder to be diabetic because "the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know" (hello Albert Einstein). The thing that I want people to understand about diabetes is that it is different for every person. Doctors, educators and your peers can only give you so much information and advice but at the end of the day, we're all guinea pigs (or lab rats) in one giant science experiment - and we're each our own researcher. We're also our own advocates, our own doctors, our own voice, and our own teachers. You're going to have to experiment on yourself to find out what works best for YOU and it's going to take years to figure it out. But hey, don't give up though okay because diabetes doesn't own you. The strength that comes from having to take control of your own life is unbelievable and I've grown in ways I never thought possible. I am so incredibly thankful to be alive.

Manage it in a way that it fits your life.

Got questions or comments?! I'd love to hear from you! Find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram...@explora_torrey

xo
Torrey 

PS - As always, thank you Alicia for saving my life :) 
And thank you from the bottom of my heart to my friends and family who have stuck by my side through this journey and have put up with me through all the blood sugar rollercoaster rides. Love you all!

Treating and Retreating

 

For as long as I've been practicing yoga, I have been wanting to attend a yoga retreat. Something about the word "retreat" has a wonderfully intriguing and raw feel to me. I've researched retreats all over the world in exotic and beautiful places like Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Bali...

...and as much as I'd love to fly away to some remote destination in another country during my spring break, I ended up choosing a yoga retreat near my hometown just outside of San Luis Obispo, Ca. (It's called Sagrada Wellness and I can't wait to tell you how it is!) It's a bit ironic that in seeking a moment to run away from all the stressors in my current every day life, and desperately hoping for a chance to reconnect with myself and the world, that I chose the city with which I am most familiar - the one place I still call home. I won't even need a map to get there.

Take a minute to think about the last twelve months that you've had, or maybe even just focus on the last six. Something has changed, right? Maybe you've moved, or started dating someone new... maybe you've accepted a new position somewhere or gone back to school... maybe you've just found out you're having a baby, or perhaps you celebrated another milestone in your child's life. Or maybe you've even dealt with loss. Whatever it is, you've had change. Me too.

Things that I once was passionate about no longer excite me and I've spent the better half of the last year making decisions that will completely uproot and change my life moving forward. During the past twelve months, I've been blessed with gifts of opportunity, challenge, new friendships, and love.

I know none of us wake up with the power to see into the future and sometimes that is what makes life scary (even though we tell ourselves it's what makes life fun). But in the scariness of it all, I believe that making positive choices for ourselves regardless of our uncertain situations is what will lead us to a calm place of knowing that everything comes to you in just the right moment. We just have to be patient.

That brings me to this retreat. Work has slowed down after we just finished our biggest event of the year and I have finally been able to "let go" of the tight grip the event had on my mind. I've finally been able to take myself off autopilot and get back to doing the things that bring me joy like cooking, hiking, reading, and dare I say it - writing again! There's room now for enjoyment of life's greatest treasures.

In reflecting on this post, it dawns on me that this is the kind of consideration one usually engages in right before the New Year. But setting meaningful intentions, reachable goals, and creating purpose for yourself and your life can happen in any moment or any month or any minute where you have created space and allowed yourself to engage with - yep, you guessed it - yourself.

As powerful as those moments are, even they can be scary too. Choosing to become a better version of yourself means that you have to face your imperfections while consciously choosing to adjust, grow, and develop. I've recently become addicted to SoulCycle not just for the sweat dripping workout I get, but because I always leave class with a compelling thought - one that really engages me. Shout out to Julia at the Culver City SoulCycle for leaving me with this last time:

Staying is always easier, but it doesn't mean happiness is on the other side. Choose to make that difficult decision.

I know it's impracticable to never encounter any stress in our daily lives because things do change and things happen. Stress can motivate us and it can help us reach our goals. (For more about how to make stress your superpower by the way, check out Stress Monkee - amazing community and great tips to help you manage your stress!) But for me at least, the amount of stress I was feeling led me to be a flighty friend, sister, daughter. It completely consumed my life and my thoughts and I had no room to do the things that I wanted to do, the things that made me happy, and at the end of the day, I had nothing left to give to anyone else, especially those I love very much. I was emotionally depleted. I never want to feel that mountain of stress again.

This yoga retreat isn't some raging, exciting plan for my spring break, and it won't end with the stories like the ones from trips to Mexico I've had in the past (forgive me, mom!). I don't want to force myself to think about anything and I don't want to create expectations for myself because I truly don't know what to expect (other than some yoga classes and some hiking trails). I do want to let each moment happen as it does and I want to focus on being present in each of those moments. Any thinking beyond those moments serves no purpose, as life cannot be read in the way in which we read a novel from beginning to end - it must be lived.

Looking forward to sharing my experiences when I get back!

xo,
T

10 Life Lessons After One Year with Type 1 Diabetes (The Good, the Bad & the Ugly!)

May 14, 2014: 
"You have type one diabetes."

May 14, 2015: 
I've got a ton of visible little holes in my fingers from the 2,190 finger pricks I've done in the past year, and the 1,400 insulin injections usually leave pretty little blue bruises on my thighs and stomach. I'm a regular at the pharmacy and getting my blood drawn is a normal thing for me these days- I don't even pass out from it anymore!

I've counted thousands and thousands of carbs (not calories) and spent over $1,500 from my own pocket (after what I thought was good insurance) for doctor visits and medications. I make decisions on what and when to eat, how much insulin to give, and what kind of exercise I should do based on an educated-guess-kind-of-a-system that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. And I live with type 1 diabetes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year.

The way I see it, diabetes is a lot like coaching basketball (which I have been doing for the past 8 years). Basketball is an avenue I use to teach kids about important life lessons. Diabetes has turned out to be the same kind of avenue for me. It's my path, my journey, my fight- and it's only a small part of who I am at the end of the day.

But even with all these numbers and constant reminders that I no longer lead a "normal" life, I want to share with you my top 10 reflections on my first year with type 1 diabetes, because it's not all bad!

 
1. Hunger and Low Blood Sugar are NOT the Same Thing (but they sometimes feel that way...) 
I'll admit it- I'm one of those "hangry" people that suffers in intolerable ways from being hungry. Headaches, mood swings, sweating, shaking.... Sounds like an episode of hypoglycemia, right? If I've ever let myself go too long without eating, I'll find myself with these symptoms and in a panic, I immediately check my blood sugar convinced that it must be low- and sometimes it is. But sometimes, I'm just fine. Be patient, recognize the difference and as much as possible, be prepared to eat or treat either way.

2. Low Blood Sugars Aren't a Treat, and You Shouldn't Treat Them with a Treat 
I started wanting to induce lows so I could have some cookies because I felt like that was the only way I could indulge in some of the sweet treats I used to enjoy. But to be honest, when my blood sugar is low, I don't even enjoy the cookies because I'm usually shoving my face full of them to try and bring my blood sugar back up as fast as possible. Treat with glucose tabs or shot blocks and have a plan so when you're low you don't panic in the moment.

3. You Can Pretend You Don't Have Diabetes, but it Doesn't Make it Disappear
This is the honest truth of my disease and for everyone with type 1. I like cookies and ice cream just as much as you and there are definitely times where I just don't want to count the carbs and dose the insulin. I just don't. But (and this is a BIG BUT- no pun intended)- with anything in life, it works out better for you when you accept the truth of the matter and face it head on. Don't lie to yourself because it doesn't make the truth any less real.

4.  YOU Must Be Your Own Advocate and Do Your Own Research
If you don't like your doctor, change doctors. And don't feel bad about your decision. This is YOUR life. Your doctors will give you a plan but they don't live with it like you do- trust your instincts and do your own research. Be responsible for your own self. I know it's a mountain, but you are capable of this!

5. Diabetes Doesn't Have to be a Death Sentence...
...but It's Still Okay to Cry
A couple weeks ago I tested my blood sugar and even after I thought I had done everything right, I was still high as a kite. Insert <<insta-tears>> here. Why me? Why didn't it work? What did I do wrong? And the most important question... why can't I just enjoy Mexican food anymore?! It's okay and normal to feel frustrated- crying is acceptable! So is hating this disease. It's awful. It's stressful. And it never sleeps or lets up. Accept it, feel it, live it and then learn to move on from that moment.

6. Discipline is Crucial and Don't Let Others Make You Feel Guilty For It 
You don't eat the homemade cookies at work (here I go with the cookies again...) because of what it will do to your blood sugar, not because you are worried about gaining a few extra pounds. Don't let others make you feel guilty for choosing a salad over a sandwich. If you don't want to eat the carbs that day, don't eat them. Their issues with food are not yours- let them go.

7. Learn to Trust, Let Go and Laugh (for life cannot be controlled)
Relying on something to keep you alive is so scary! When I've accidentally left the house without my insulin or testing supplies, I've never felt more dependent in my whole life. And even though I'd like to think I can go through life jumping all these hurdles alone, feeling vulnerable in those moments has taught me how to let go and trust a bit more in all areas of my life. It's okay to rely on other people. Build a support system and cherish those who are a part of it.

8. Make Type 1 Friends, but Try to Find a Connection Between the Two of You That Isn't Diabetes Related
Plain and simple, because you are not defined by your diabetes and there is so much more to life.

Speaking of life...

9. Life is Short, With or Without Diabetes (so make sure you cherish every moment)
One day you will wake up and there won't be any time left to do the things you've always wanted to do. (-Paulo Coelho) This is true for everyone, not just us type 1's (but don't let diabetes steal your sunshine). Learn to truly LIVE and to truly LOVE- the possibilities are endless.

10. Don't Ever Accept the Status Quo that We'll Have Diabetes Forever
**It's a dangerous thing to be content with something you're not happy with. Read that line again. And again if you have to. It's a dangerous thing to be content with something you're not happy with.

I encourage you to get involved in a cause and look into donating or volunteering your time and/or services. Be the voice of the future. Just because there isn't a cure now does not mean there will never be one. We have the power to get involved in events that raise funds and awareness, that support research in finding a cure. Don't rely on the doctors and scientists to be the only ones actively seeking new cures and treatments. You don't have to have gone to medical school to influence the diabetes community. There are plenty of ways to get involved.

Be an active participant in your own life and find a way to see the silver linings that are always around us!

xo,
T

The Scary Truth about Insulin Induced Lows

If you have ever had a hypoglycemic episode, you might feel kinda like the monster from Frozen. Seriously, this is me with low blood sugar. Ask my sister.

Since my diagnosis seven months ago, I've been able to keep my blood sugars pretty stable with the occasional high after special occasions like Thanksgiving or my birthday party. I take two units of Lantus in the morning and two units at night. I only take Novolog if I'm over 200 before eating- which has been rare as I've tried to stick to a very high protein/high fat/low carb diet (less than 100 grams a day).  Couple that with consistent exercise, and I've been able to maintain an average of 4-8 units of insulin per day and last time I went in, my A1C was 6.3. Not bad, not bad at all.

Until last night. I had some pita bread with my chicken and squash for dinner and three hours later, I was at 238. The last two times I've taken Novolog (after Thanksgiving dinner being one), NOTHING happened. Four hours later, I was still really high and had to take more. So I took two units, felt fine, and went to sleep. I woke up at 12:30am completely soaked in sweat. I scrambled to find my glasses and my meter (turns out being blind and diabetic isn't such a great combo during nighttime hypo moments) and checked my sugar. As I was waiting patiently for the five second (or lifetime) delay, I felt myself getting worse by the second. Then the number popped up on the screen. 48.

I have never been lower than 68 since I started testing. Those lows were usually exercise induced and I was prepared for them. But 48?! I couldn't believe it. So, like any newly diagnosed diabetic, I binged on ghirardelli dark & sea salt caramel chocolate squares. After the first one, I didn't feel any better. So I ate another. And another. And then I looked at the nutrition and saw that three squares was only 23 grams of carbs. So I had one more. And then I ate some pita bread. I was desperate to get my blood sugar back up and had no idea how much I needed to feel better.

When you're diagnosed with diabetes, they don't tell you how much sugar you actually need to correct a low. They should give you some kind of timeline, like eat a piece of chocolate and test 15 minutes later, and then if you're still low eat another. And maybe some doctors do tell you this- mine didn't. On top of that, you're in complete freak out mode that you're going to go into a diabetic coma and have to call the paramedics and the only thing you can think about is that number on the screen going up- and FAST.

Needless to say, I woke up this morning worse than I started last night. 282. I decided I would take two more units to level off and then have a normal (ha!) day. Why I decided to take two more units is beyond me- I guess I thought that I was higher than I was the night before and I was remembering how the Novolog doesn't always seem to work. An hour later I was at 108, which was perfect. Made myself some eggs and coffee and packed up my bag for work. Twenty minutes later, I was dripping in sweat once again. Shaking and blacking in and out. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I pricked my finger and struggled to align the drop of blood with the testing strip. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to function when you know you have to in order to save your own life. (I apologize for the dramatics, but it's true!)

5. 4. 3. 2. 1. A new number popped up. 44. This time, remembering how I screwed myself last night and not wanting to soar high again, I ate one Clif shot block (which I use for long distance running training) and waited 15 minutes. By the way, those 15 minutes move about as quickly or as slowly as molasses. Or quicksand. Or a goddamn snail trying to cross the road. I'm over here, face literally dripping sweat beads onto my lap, hands shaking, shirt soaked through once again and I have to wait 15 minutes. 77. So I eat another one. My panic turns to a relief that leaves me in tears; tears of frustration, tears of gratitude that the worst is over, and terrified tears. Lows are scary.  And, I've spent the entire day feeling like I have the flu, minus the whole fever/nausea thing.

This is the reality of living with type one diabetes. I don't tell you all of this because I want you to feel bad for me. I don't feel bad for me. I tell you this so you understand that there are repercussions for every single thing I eat. It's just a small piece of cake right? Just one piece of pizza? Just take some insulin with it and you'll be fine, right? Too much insulin or a wrong guess on how much I should take could kill me.

 After this year's Thanksgiving dinner where I ate the same foods as my sister (AND I even said no to my own garlic mashed potatoes) my blood sugar was 335 and hers was 108. The point is this: A diabetic doesn't get days off. You don't get to splurge on holiday meals without feeling it in one way or another later on. And yes, the doctors tell you that you can eat whatever you want as long as you take insulin for it and to an extent, I believe that to be true. But what happens when insulin doesn't work one time and the next time you take it, you bottom out and either end up in tears or in the hospital? I feel like a guinea pig when it comes to treatment. Diabetes is unpredictable, misunderstood, and insulin injections paint your stomach with bruises bigger than quarters.

I can positively say that I am now healthier because of diabetes- but it hasn't been an easy road. I can only speak for myself but I think as a diabetic, we just want people to understand that it's never just one piece of cake. And insulin isn't the answer to all of our problems.

It's all one big learning curve, and I'm determined to not be defined by diabetes. I still make hot cocoa on cold, rainy nights and I still bring cookies to share at work. I still eat pizza and I'll probably never give up egg nog (holidays on the brain to blame for that one). Life is too short to be controlled by a number and it's too beautiful to live without some indulgent experiences. In fact, our experiences are what makes our lives so beautiful.

So cheers to YOU and living the best life you can every single moment. Cheers to not beating yourself up over a bad choice or a bad day, but to understanding that we are all just painting our own pictures with our own colors.

Lastly, thank you to my sister who sat by my side this morning to make sure I was ok and in turn, forgot her coffee on her dresser when she left for work. Love you Momo!

Be kind, love someone today and Happy Holidays!

xo
T