Reflections on 2017

Welcome to reflections on 2017 and my lovely little life!

2017 started with a three-week solo trip through Guatemala in search for…who really knows what?! Fun? Adventure? Because I want to travel and (shocker) I’m not getting any younger? I was excited about taking a long backpacking trip alone, my first trip of this nature – until about two days before when I panicked and considered canceling my trip. What in the world have I gotten myself into? I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. After some much needed encouragement from friends and knowing I really needed this for myself, I boarded that plane with a single 40L Osprey backpack and a shit ton of (fears), hopes and dreams.

Guatemala turned out to be everything I didn’t even know I needed. There was something about the rawness of the journey, and learning how to trust myself that changed the confidence I had in myself. Sure, I’ve always been good in school and sports, but I lacked the ability to be completely alone and be ok with it (truth be told, I'm still working on this). During the trip, I was uncomfortable at times, dirty even and tired and somehow found a way to make meaningful connections with strangers (and if I’m being completely honest) without worrying about what they thought about my appearance.  Then, just like that, time with those strangers ended and I learned to let go of them, leaving only memories to cherish. I learned that there is often a time to let go and it’s ok to do so. It doesn’t devalue the experience.

So many times we hold onto what we think we need, or who we hoped would be in our life forever because it’s comfortable, because we love someone, or because we forget to continuously reflect on our own growth, wants, and needs. At the end of the day, we change. Other people change. And it’s ok. What matters is living a life that means something, even if to no one else but yourself. I learned to take a leap of faith and trust the journey even though there were many times I had no idea where I was going. This trip allowed me to become more of myself when I thought I had lost the best of who I was. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I took a few other shorter trips to Palm Springs and Las Vegas in March, San Francisco in April for a medical-surgical nursing conference, Bass Lake for my 10^th summer at Sierra Sleepaway Camp in August (by the way, how has it been 10 years already?!), Denver in October with my dear friend Kelly to celebrate my 31^st birthday, San Diego in November for a diabetes conference, and Portland in December with my nursing school BFF Ana to celebrate the end of finals and successfully trudging through the mud of our 4^th semester of nursing school.

By the grace of God I ended up with 2^nd row tickets to Garth Brooks in July (who definitely made eye contact with me that night!! I can die now…) and 2^nd row tickets to Bruno Mars in November with my mom and sister – all I can say is those were two of the best concert experiences of MY LIFE. Live music has my heart and soul forever. To round out 2017, after four hard semesters, I have still managed a 4.0 in nursing school and in May I started working as a Care Partner (nursing assistant) at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles in the hematology/oncology department, where I think I’ve found my calling, at least for now (I’m cursed with the gift of always wanting more challenges to face).

I am frequently asked how I deal with kids with cancer (isn’t that so sad, they say) and yes, it is. I’ve lost a couple kids this year and let me tell you, it never gets any easier. But here’s why I’ve fallen in love with pediatric oncology. I know what it’s like living with a chronic illness. Type 1 diabetes is not cancer, but every day is a battle, every day my patients and I fight for our lives, and every day that I am blessed to be a part of these kiddos’ lives is another day I’m beyond grateful for everything I have in my own life. There’s something about both of our journeys being ongoing that has called my heart to want to take care of kids like me – brave enough to fight another day even when it would be so much easier to throw in the towel. What’s further, a cancer diagnosis impacts the entire family. It’s life-changing. Even the caretakers need to be cared for. It’s the same with the family of a type 1 diabetic. Our families are impacted from the moment we learn of our diagnosis. They lose sleep worrying about us. Their phones alarm constantly with notifications of high or low blood sugars. They wonder if we will wake up each morning. It’s the joy in taking care of the entire family that fuels my soul.

As I look back on 2017, I admit this has been one of my most challenging years. I’ve faced several obstacles and been riddled with bouts of depression, severe anxiety, and even a couple panic attacks. But I never gave up. I never quit, and I never will. Because for every low this past year, I’ve been blessed with 10+ beautiful and positive opportunities, friendships, and lessons you only get from walking through the fires in hell. And as I look forward to 2018, I am looking at a year rich with new experiences and lots of new changes! In 2018 I will be traveling to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam, I will graduate with my masters’ in nursing, I will be taking and passing the NCLEX to get my RN license, I will be moving to wherever hires me into their new graduate residency program,  and so much more that I don’t even know about yet! I’m practicing a lot of self-compassion and giving myself permission to lead a big life!

If you’re reading this, chances are you have touched me with your support, inspired me with your ambitions and creativity, loved me through my weakest moments, and prayed for me with blessings of good health, success, and happiness. Thank you for choosing to be a part of my life. I do hope you’ll stay a while. 

May God bless you on your journey this upcoming year and HELLOOOOOO 2018!

love,

torrey leigh

2016: My Year in Review!

I charged into 2016 like a bowling ball spinning quickly down the lane towards the pins, each pin being a goal I set for myself. The thing is, I’m actually a horrible bowler and if we were to measure my 2016 goals with bowling pins, I’ve only knocked down about half of them. I guess it’s a good thing that 2016 can be measured in so much more than bowling pins. Yes, I set goals for myself, and yes, I only accomplished about half of them. But here’s the thing – when I look back on 2016 and everything I’ve done, and everywhere I’ve been, the glass is completely and utterly half full. I invite you to take a trip down memory lane with me as I recount how special and unique each day is, and share the value of what one short year really means for each of us.

January began like every other year, full of hopes and dreams and big ideas. I went to a conference in New York City at the end of the month with my “romantic” travel buddy and co-worker. Her I explored the city, saw Kinky Boots, met up with old friends, made new friends, and wandered around Central Park in the snow. We found the best lattes in the city (Bibble &Sip and Blue Dog Kitchen), and became experts at navigating the subway system like New Yorkers.

In February, I was introduced to Soul Cycle and fell in love. When you mix a dance party with a dark room, blaring music that gets your blood pumping, and instructors that somehow always have the right message that speaks directly to your heart, you have no other choice but to become addicted, obsessed.

In March, I finally did something I’ve been talking about doing for years. I did a solo yoga retreat at Sagrada Wellness - highly recommend this place for a retreat! I met two really incredible women there who challenged me on what it means to be truly happy and living the life that I’m meant to live, for me. I had applied to nursing school but gave notice I was quitting my job after five amazingly opportunistic years in April, before I knew if I was accepted to nursing school or not. I had such a strong gut feeling that it was going to work out in my favor so I took a huge leap of faith. Also in April, I decided to make the switch from insulin injections to an insulin pump. That may have been the single most important and freeing decision I made this entire year. The pump has given me back so much freedom in managing a chronic disease that is type one diabetes.

In May I ended a yearlong relationship with someone who I really loved and still care for. He probably doesn’t know this, but our relationship defined commitment for me. Like anything in life, things don’t always work out the way you thought they would, but that’s ok. There’s a reason for it all. Right about the time we broke up, I celebrated (yes, celebrated!) my two-year anniversary with type one diabetes. I’ve told a few people this, but the craziest thing about my life with diabetes is that I can’t even remember what it was like to live without it. I know that doesn’t make sense on paper – I lived 27 years without it and have only had it for two years, but it’s true. Before the finger pricks, and the insulin injections, and the carb counting, what was life like? I can’t even remember. I also credit type one for saving my life. I know it can be hard to wrap your head around how a chronic and lifelong disease could save your life, but what I really mean is that diabetes gave me life, and it gave me purpose. I have no other choice but to be extremely grateful for that opportunity to live life in each moment – to be here, now.

The end of May I took a trip with my mom and sister to Zion National Park. This trip was super special for me. We got to see Peter Pan at the Red Rocks Amphitheater (KILLER setting for a stage), relaxed by the river, and hiked some beautiful trails. In fact, I think my family disowned me on this trip for making them wake up at 5am (neither of them are morning people) to go hike a strenuous Angel’s Landing with me (neither of them are avid hikers either!). But hey, at least we got coffee first! I was really proud of my mom for making it ALL the way to the top of this hike. Angel’s Landing is a steep hike, with narrow ledges, and chains at the top and they call it Angel’s Landing because it’s so high up only angels can land there. You get to the top and you’ll see what I mean. It’s worth every single step.

I found out in June that I got accepted into the University of San Francisco’s Entry Level Master’s of Nursing program, just weeks before I celebrated my last day at my job of five years. What a relief that good news was…!

I also took a trip with some of my very best friends to Lake Arrowhead for the weekend and subsequently got a ticket in the mail weeks later for driving in the “express lane” that I knew nothing about. Some of the highlights include making summer brew in a cooler which we dragged a mile down to the beach and waded across the lake to drink it on somebody else’s dock (which we thought was our own), getting a ride on some guy’s boat because we called him over to pet his dog, double French braiding everyone’s hair like we were on the 7^th grade girls’ volleyball team again, and giving our crew the name Loch Leven Seven which included six girls and the tiniest dog alive.

July brought about a lot of changes. I moved out of my amazing duplex home in Culver City, threw all my stuff in storage (aka mom’s and sister’s houses) and headed up to Oregon to visit my long time friend since preschool and her husband! With equal parts hiking, waterfalls, wine, beer, and binge watching the entire season of Stranger Things, we adventured through Oregon letting the directions of the compass be our guide. We went West to Florence, a coastal Oregon city and took the hobbit trail down to the beaches, North to Silver Falls State Park where we hiked ten waterfalls in seven miles, and East to Willamette National Forest where we soaked in Cougar Reservoir, a natural hot springs with five pools and shared a picnic on a row boat in the middle of Clear Lake. I also fell in love with Cucumber Sour beers by 10 Barrel Brewing Co. (which are RIDICULOUSLY hard to find in California, so if you find any send them my way!) and a Malbec Rose from Silvan Ridge Winery. Who knew you could use Malbec and Rose in the same sentence?! YUM!

I moved into my new apartment in Orange, CA in August and the very next day I took off to Bass Lake to spend another summer with Sierra Sleep-Away (the absolute BEST outdoor water sports camp around in my totally unbiased opinion). This was the first time since being diagnosed that I felt like I had a diabetic emergency. My Omnipod insulin pump failed. And then it failed again. And then it failed AGAIN for the third time. (Side note - for all my diabetic pod friends out there, the horrible sound the pump makes when it malfunctions can be easily stopped by sticking a paper clip into the tiny green hole on the wider end of the pump underneath the white sticky piece.)

It was a Friday at 4:55pm when the third pod failed and getting a hold of someone in my doctor’s office to fax in a prescription for an insulin injection pen brought me to actual tears. For the first time since being diagnosed, I realized how helpless it makes you feel when you don’t have access to insulin. I was terrified I would end up in the hospital that weekend and pissed that I wasn’t getting the help I needed. Even with the pen, my blood sugar still shot up over 400 in the 3 days I was without my pump. The lesson learned here is ALWAYS travel with both types (long and fast acting) of insulin pens!

I survived that camping trip and got back to Orange just in time to start nursing school! A couple weeks later, I mourned the loss of the dad of two girls I used to coach in basketball to a two year fight against a rare form of cancer. He brought everyone along in his journey through his blog and I always thought he would make it through. Turns out, God had other plans for him. I just want to pass on his legacy with one simple phrase… KINDNESS…MORE.

In October, I turned 30! In the months leading up to my birthday I thought a lot about what I wanted to do to celebrate. When it all came down to it, I wanted to do something that I really love to do with the people that I really love to spend time with. I decided to go camp on the beach in Malibu. We built our own fire, made tin foil dinners, drank whiskey and wine, and roasted s’mores. By the way, are you ready for a s’mores life hack right now?! Use REESE’S instead of Hershey’s chocolate. Trust me on this one. My sister also threw me a surprise birthday dinner and I was fortunate enough to see Jimmy Buffett in concert with another dear friend of mine.

November was a rough month for me, like it was for so many Americans. The election results were devastating and I’ve had several conversations post-election with friends and family that have been raw, emotional, and not without tears. You’re entitled to your own beliefs and I won’t get into a political debate here, but I believe that human decency, kindness, and respect for all people are REAL THINGS. Apparently there is a large population of people who do not agree with that.

And just like that, we’ve made it to December! The holidays are my favorite time of year because people really make an effort to connect again with their loved ones. There’s so much magic and love in the air and everyone is thinking about how they are going to become bigger, better versions of themselves in the upcoming year. It’s really cool to see.

I lost a friend and incredible human being in a motorcycle accident earlier this month. He was only 32. His death taught me a lot about what it means to truly engage with people when you are in their presence, and how everyone has value in this world. He was humbly intelligent, charismatic, cosmopolitan, and embodied what it means to march to the beat of your own drum. We all could afford to do a little more of that.

I finished my first semester of nursing school and surprised myself with how well I did. I now have three weeks left of winter break, which I will be spending in Guatemala…

2016 has been a year full of change, opportunity, reflection, and growth. But, all chapters must end before you can start a new one. Each year, I’ve tried to come up with a word or phrase that will become my focus for that year. In 2015, it was simplify. 2016 was focused on change and growth. 2017 can only be captured by understanding there’s no tomorrow. Each morning begins in black and white, and you alone are charged with adding your own colors. Such is the beauty of life.

Wishing everyone, everywhere a safe and Happy New Year’s, and may your 2017 be full of life, love, and laughter - always.

xo

Torrey