Reflections on 2017

Welcome to reflections on 2017 and my lovely little life!

2017 started with a three-week solo trip through Guatemala in search for…who really knows what?! Fun? Adventure? Because I want to travel and (shocker) I’m not getting any younger? I was excited about taking a long backpacking trip alone, my first trip of this nature – until about two days before when I panicked and considered canceling my trip. What in the world have I gotten myself into? I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. After some much needed encouragement from friends and knowing I really needed this for myself, I boarded that plane with a single 40L Osprey backpack and a shit ton of (fears), hopes and dreams.

Guatemala turned out to be everything I didn’t even know I needed. There was something about the rawness of the journey, and learning how to trust myself that changed the confidence I had in myself. Sure, I’ve always been good in school and sports, but I lacked the ability to be completely alone and be ok with it (truth be told, I'm still working on this). During the trip, I was uncomfortable at times, dirty even and tired and somehow found a way to make meaningful connections with strangers (and if I’m being completely honest) without worrying about what they thought about my appearance.  Then, just like that, time with those strangers ended and I learned to let go of them, leaving only memories to cherish. I learned that there is often a time to let go and it’s ok to do so. It doesn’t devalue the experience.

So many times we hold onto what we think we need, or who we hoped would be in our life forever because it’s comfortable, because we love someone, or because we forget to continuously reflect on our own growth, wants, and needs. At the end of the day, we change. Other people change. And it’s ok. What matters is living a life that means something, even if to no one else but yourself. I learned to take a leap of faith and trust the journey even though there were many times I had no idea where I was going. This trip allowed me to become more of myself when I thought I had lost the best of who I was. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I took a few other shorter trips to Palm Springs and Las Vegas in March, San Francisco in April for a medical-surgical nursing conference, Bass Lake for my 10^th summer at Sierra Sleepaway Camp in August (by the way, how has it been 10 years already?!), Denver in October with my dear friend Kelly to celebrate my 31^st birthday, San Diego in November for a diabetes conference, and Portland in December with my nursing school BFF Ana to celebrate the end of finals and successfully trudging through the mud of our 4^th semester of nursing school.

By the grace of God I ended up with 2^nd row tickets to Garth Brooks in July (who definitely made eye contact with me that night!! I can die now…) and 2^nd row tickets to Bruno Mars in November with my mom and sister – all I can say is those were two of the best concert experiences of MY LIFE. Live music has my heart and soul forever. To round out 2017, after four hard semesters, I have still managed a 4.0 in nursing school and in May I started working as a Care Partner (nursing assistant) at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles in the hematology/oncology department, where I think I’ve found my calling, at least for now (I’m cursed with the gift of always wanting more challenges to face).

I am frequently asked how I deal with kids with cancer (isn’t that so sad, they say) and yes, it is. I’ve lost a couple kids this year and let me tell you, it never gets any easier. But here’s why I’ve fallen in love with pediatric oncology. I know what it’s like living with a chronic illness. Type 1 diabetes is not cancer, but every day is a battle, every day my patients and I fight for our lives, and every day that I am blessed to be a part of these kiddos’ lives is another day I’m beyond grateful for everything I have in my own life. There’s something about both of our journeys being ongoing that has called my heart to want to take care of kids like me – brave enough to fight another day even when it would be so much easier to throw in the towel. What’s further, a cancer diagnosis impacts the entire family. It’s life-changing. Even the caretakers need to be cared for. It’s the same with the family of a type 1 diabetic. Our families are impacted from the moment we learn of our diagnosis. They lose sleep worrying about us. Their phones alarm constantly with notifications of high or low blood sugars. They wonder if we will wake up each morning. It’s the joy in taking care of the entire family that fuels my soul.

As I look back on 2017, I admit this has been one of my most challenging years. I’ve faced several obstacles and been riddled with bouts of depression, severe anxiety, and even a couple panic attacks. But I never gave up. I never quit, and I never will. Because for every low this past year, I’ve been blessed with 10+ beautiful and positive opportunities, friendships, and lessons you only get from walking through the fires in hell. And as I look forward to 2018, I am looking at a year rich with new experiences and lots of new changes! In 2018 I will be traveling to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam, I will graduate with my masters’ in nursing, I will be taking and passing the NCLEX to get my RN license, I will be moving to wherever hires me into their new graduate residency program,  and so much more that I don’t even know about yet! I’m practicing a lot of self-compassion and giving myself permission to lead a big life!

If you’re reading this, chances are you have touched me with your support, inspired me with your ambitions and creativity, loved me through my weakest moments, and prayed for me with blessings of good health, success, and happiness. Thank you for choosing to be a part of my life. I do hope you’ll stay a while. 

May God bless you on your journey this upcoming year and HELLOOOOOO 2018!

love,

torrey leigh

Turning Three on Your 30th Birthday

I’m not turning thirty this year. I’m turning three.

Now, I know what you may be thinking. Three year olds don’t quit their full time jobs or move to a new city, or change careers all together. And sometimes three year olds can be unreasonable and have meltdowns under stress. While that may be true, this major transitional period in my life feels an awful lot like the major growth developments seen in that of a toddler. And if I’m being honest, the way my mom describes me as a three-year-old girl pretty much sums me up today too.

Because I gave up the stress and the worry from things that weren’t positively serving me, I’ve been able to focus on what’s important again. I’m relearning through the exploration of life and I’m rediscovering how to use all my senses again. I’m seeing the world in a whole new light.

During this past month without a job or a permanent place to live, I’ve learned more about myself than I have over the past couple years. I’ve been forced to face what matters. I’ve learned that I don’t need all my “stuff” – I’m talking clothes, shoes, furniture, etc. I don’t need all of that. I don’t even need a lot of money. But what I do need are my close friends and family and a home base where I feel safe. I’ve learned who my true friends are and I’ve learned how to ask for help. I’ve validated how important it is for me to always be willing to take people in during times of struggle, change, or transition and allow them to feel as at home as possible.

The greatest compliment I’ve ever received has nothing to do with how I look or what I’m wearing and I’ll never forget the first time I heard it. I was in high school and a friend came over to hang out and I told him to relax, get comfortable and take his shoes off. He replied that his feet stank so he would leave his shoes on. I remember telling him to stop being silly, that all our feet stink, and to take them off and get comfortable. I had no idea in that moment that I had had such a profound impact on him, but he later told me that I always made him feel right at home. To this day, that is still my proudest achievement in life. Did I make you feel better by listening to you, understanding you were hurting, and then trying to fix it by giving you a hug? See, isn’t that what three year olds do?!

Sharing with others, cooking with others, and being warm and welcoming to others is so incredibly important to me. I’ve learned that it is possible to love so hard and not be loved in return but that the unequal distribution of love doesn’t mean you should ever close off your heart. Sometimes people aren’t in the time or place in their life where they can give you what you can give them, and that’s ok. Give anyways and don’t let them go. We all need each other. Platonic friendships are equally as important to invest in as romantic relationships. It’s ok to build a support system, and a very large one at that. Make sure to ask for help if you’re lost or confused. Three year olds do it.

Fear is the only thing that cripples us and turns us into people we don’t want to be. Honesty is still always the best policy. Being open doesn’t make you stupid to love or to trust. It makes you wise beyond your years and allows a story to be written on your heart. Faith in God will wake you up each and every morning with a smile on your face and hope for a brighter day. It allows you to put one foot in front of the other even though you can’t see past your own two feet. Faith gives you the gift of being able to live in the present, knowing it’s all going to work out in the end. It allows trust in the journey, not the destination.

Finally, I’ve stopped caring about what day it is and what time it is. Three year olds don’t care about time, so why should I? I’ve been able to slow down the pace of my life so much that I’ve been able to think for myself again. I’ve been able to write, to create, to read, and to really, truly listen to others again. I lost that crucial piece of my soul when I was consumed with stress and worry. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again. I am my three-year-old self with eyes full of wonder and a passion for life, who wants to play and create and love, and who can’t stop smiling or giving people hugs.

Happy 3^rd Birthday to me :)

xo

T