2017 started with a three-week solo trip through
Guatemala in search for…who really knows what?! Fun? Adventure? Because I want
to travel and (shocker) I’m not getting any younger? I was excited about taking a
long backpacking trip alone, my first trip of this nature – until about two
days before when I panicked and considered canceling my trip. What in the
world have I gotten myself into? I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. After some
much needed encouragement from friends and knowing I really needed this for
myself, I boarded that plane with a single 40L Osprey backpack and a shit ton
of (fears), hopes and dreams.
Guatemala turned out to be everything I didn’t even
know I needed. There was something about the rawness of the journey, and learning
how to trust myself that changed the confidence I had in myself. Sure, I’ve always been good in
school and sports, but I lacked the ability to be completely alone and be ok
with it (truth be told, I'm still working on this). During the trip, I was uncomfortable at times, dirty even and tired
and somehow found a way to make meaningful connections with strangers (and if I’m being completely honest) without worrying about what they thought about my appearance. Then, just like that, time with those
strangers ended and I learned to let go of them, leaving only memories to
cherish. I learned that there is often a time to let go and it’s ok to do so. It doesn’t devalue the experience.
So many times we hold onto what we think we
need, or who we hoped would be in our life forever because it’s comfortable, because
we love someone, or because we forget to continuously reflect on our own
growth, wants, and needs. At the end of the day, we change. Other people
change. And it’s ok. What matters is living a life that means something, even if to no one else but yourself. I
learned to take a leap of faith and trust the journey even though there were
many times I had no idea where I was going. This
trip allowed me to become more of myself when I thought I had lost the best of
who I was. For that, I am eternally grateful.
I took a few other shorter trips to Palm Springs and
Las Vegas in March, San Francisco in April for a medical-surgical nursing
conference, Bass Lake for my 10th summer at Sierra Sleepaway Camp in
August (by the way, how has it been 10 years already?!), Denver in October with
my dear friend Kelly to celebrate my 31st birthday, San Diego in
November for a diabetes conference, and Portland in December with my nursing
school BFF Ana to celebrate the end of finals and successfully trudging through
the mud of our 4th semester of nursing school.
By
the grace of God I ended up with 2nd row tickets to Garth Brooks in
July (who definitely made eye contact with me that night!! I can die now…) and 2nd row tickets to Bruno Mars in
November with my mom and sister – all I can say is those were two of the best
concert experiences of MY LIFE. Live music has my heart and soul forever. To
round out 2017, after four hard semesters, I have still managed a 4.0 in
nursing school and in May I started working as a Care Partner (nursing
assistant) at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles in the hematology/oncology
department, where I think I’ve found my calling, at least for now (I’m cursed with the gift of always wanting
more challenges to face).
I
am frequently asked how I deal with kids with cancer (isn’t that so sad, they say) and yes, it is. I’ve lost a couple
kids this year and let me tell you, it never gets any easier. But here’s why I’ve
fallen in love with pediatric oncology. I know what it’s like living with a
chronic illness. Type 1 diabetes is not cancer, but every day is a battle,
every day my patients and I fight for our lives, and every day that I am
blessed to be a part of these kiddos’ lives is another day I’m beyond grateful
for everything I have in my own life. There’s something about both of our
journeys being ongoing that has called my heart to want to take care of kids
like me – brave enough to fight another day even when it would be so much easier
to throw in the towel. What’s further, a cancer diagnosis impacts the
entire family. It’s life-changing. Even the caretakers need to be cared for. It’s
the same with the family of a type 1 diabetic. Our families are impacted from
the moment we learn of our diagnosis. They lose sleep worrying about us. Their
phones alarm constantly with notifications of high or low blood sugars. They
wonder if we will wake up each morning. It’s
the joy in taking care of the entire family that fuels my soul.
As
I look back on 2017, I admit this has been one of my most challenging years. I’ve
faced several obstacles and been riddled with bouts of depression, severe
anxiety, and even a couple panic attacks. But I never gave up. I never quit,
and I never will. Because for every low this past year, I’ve been blessed with
10+ beautiful and positive opportunities, friendships, and lessons you only get
from walking through the fires in hell. And as I look forward to 2018, I am
looking at a year rich with new experiences and lots of new changes! In 2018 I
will be traveling to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam, I will graduate with my
masters’ in nursing, I will be taking and passing the NCLEX to get my RN
license, I will be moving to wherever hires me into their new graduate
residency program, and so much more that
I don’t even know about yet! I’m practicing a lot of self-compassion and giving myself permission to lead a big life!
If
you’re reading this, chances are you have touched me with your support,
inspired me with your ambitions and creativity, loved me through my weakest
moments, and prayed for me with blessings of good health, success, and
happiness. Thank you for choosing to be a part of my life. I do hope you’ll
stay a while.
May God bless you on your journey this upcoming year and HELLOOOOOO 2018!
love,
torrey leigh
