Love Letters

an excerpt...

My dearest,

Every minute that goes by without you is another minute that reminds me I may never see you again. I know it’s not what it should be, but I know what it was and what it could be. I haven’t given up on us, even though you told me it’s over. It’s been hard to sleep because you appear in my dreams over and over again. In fact, we went paintballing just the other night. 

You’ve given me such a beautiful gift that you deserved equally from me a long time ago. Things have changed since then- but they had to change for both of us, I believe. There are so many things that have happened in the last six months that have given me a perspective I didn't have then. I want to share that with you. And I know it may be too late to ever get you back now, but I'm still hopeful and I know we can make it work. When I envision my future, it’s you that stands out so brightly on the horizon. There's no one else I want to make happy. Still love you forever.

xo.

Love Letters from an American Psycho

an excerpt...

My dearest,

I drove by your house last night. Your door was open and your lights were on so I knew you were home. Even still, I drove through the alley to see if your car was parked. It was, and a surfboard lay peacefully strapped to the top. For a moment, I contemplated leaving a note, but I'm still trying to respect your wishes, even though you appear in my dreams over and over again and I can't get you out of my mind. I really miss you. More than I ever thought I would.

I had a dream about you last night too, which wasn't the first and won't be the last. I drove by your house again. I know it's crazy but it's the only way I feel like I get to see you, even if only for a moment; and even though I don't really ever see you. Just pieces of your life. You don't return my calls or texts. I feel like you hate me. But I drive by still, just to see a little piece of you. In my dream I had to park quickly behind another car because I saw you coming outside. You filled your tires with air and then sprayed them down. I thought you wouldn't see me, but you did. And as I hid in my car with my head down praying to God you would walk away, you stuck the hose through my sunroof and sprayed me. I'm drenched and I look up at you with an unapologetic half smile and I just shrug my shoulders. I'm so relieved to finally see you again.  Even under these circumstances, you smile at me and it calms my nerves enough to take a breath. We get in your car and you just put your arms around me and hold me, tears welling up in both of our eyes. You tell me you're so happy I still think about you. I think you thought you were out of my life for good. No words come to my mouth even though thousands of them are flying through my mind. I think back to the dozens of letters I've written you in the last few months. They sit sealed up nicely in one envelope in my top dresser drawer, collecting dust because I promised myself I would never actually give them to you. And even with all those words, I now have nothing to say. You're happy to see me. I thought you hated me. I'm in your arms, where I should have been all along. And right in that moment I make a promise to myself that I would never let you down again and that as long as I live, I'll do anything and everything in my power to make you happy. Things have changed. We have changed. But our love for each other remains the same. I was wrong for a lot of things, and I am so incredibly sorry. Wish I had the chance to tell you that.
I woke up confused and sad, knowing that none of it was real. It felt real. I wanted it to be real. I would have given anything for it to be real. I love you, and I hope to see you soon. Most of all, I hope you are truly happy.

All my love. xo.

The Diagnosis

I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes exactly two weeks ago today, on May 14, 2014. After a three year struggle with a ton of random symptoms and no answers, I finally got the phone call that would change my life, for the better I'd like to think.

Three years ago, I got really sick. Now when I say sick, I'm talking 103 fever for a week, unable to eat, couldn't keep food or anything at all in my system, plagued with shakes and shivers and sweats. I lost 20lbs and couldn't gain it back for a year. You can read more about it in a previous blog post here. The doctors just said it was a nasty virus, that I had parasites. After that, I began my three year battle with negative test results and being treated for things I didn't have. All of a sudden, I had skin rashes and welts, was being treated for stomach ulcers and undergoing an $1000+ endoscopy, and saw a GI specialist. All tests came back negative. Those symptoms started to go away about a year after they began.

Then last August, I noticed swelling in my left leg. I had been at the lake hiking and camping and wakeboarding and thought maybe I pulled or twisted something, or was bitten by a bug of some sorts. I came back to LA with the swelling and it never went down. I ended up seeing a podiatrist, an orthopedist and had an ultrasound for blood clots, an MRI and XRay to look for torn ligaments or broken bones. Nothing hurt, and all those tests came back negative as well. I then reached out to a vascular surgeon who suggested I see a lymph specialist. I probably would have spent more time in her office had they accepted my insurance- and thank God they didn't.

About six weeks ago, I started telling my trainer about my leg swelling and other symptoms that I was experiencing; waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, sudden shakes and sweats and blacking out in the middle of the day, etc. It was then that she told me she was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes about six months ago and had been having a lot of similar symptoms. I still didn't believe that I had diabetes. One Sunday afternoon, I was walking in Venice with my sister and another friend and I had another episode where I started to get shaky and sweaty all of a sudden. Once again, the conversation led back to diabetes. I decided maybe I should go in.

I made an appointment with my primary doctor to get a blood test. When I went in and showed her the swelling in my leg, she prescribed me blood thinners and referred me to a bone and muscle tumor specialist and ignored my request for a blood test. It was time to take matters into my own hands.

I called the endocrinology department at UCLA the next day and made an appointment to get my blood drawn. My initial blood tests came back with higher than normal blood glucose levels and my doctor told me I had "prediabetes." WHAT?!

She ordered another round of blood tests to be done (which were horrible but I'll save that for another post). She was looking for certain hormones and antibodies that would indicate if it was Type 1 or Type 2. (More on the difference between Type 1 and Type 2 in a a later post.) To make a long story short, she called me the morning of May 14, 2014 to tell me that my tests came back very positive for Type 1. I went in to see her that day and was immediately sent to the pharmacist where I left with over $100 of insulin and insulin testing supplies, a blood glucose meter, and no direction on how to use any of this stuff. 

To be clear, I had been praying for something to be positive so I could finally have an explanation for all the things I had experienced over the past couple years. When I got that phone call, I was actually really relieved. It's funny to think that relief was my first emotion but in a way, my trainer had prepared me for this sort of diagnosis. I felt like it would all be ok.

Then I had to start telling certain people- my family, friends and my work. Let me tell you something- the worst part about this diagnosis isn't that my pancreas doesn't produce insulin correctly, it isn't that I could gain weight from the artificial insulin I have to use now, it isn't that I have to prick my finger 6 times a day or inject myself with insulin every night or even the fact that I have a potentially life-threatening illness. The worst part of it all is that all of a sudden I'm in the spotlight and receiving more attention than ever before.

Let me clarify. I feel tremendously guilty and extremely ungrateful for saying that. I am so beyond grateful for the outpouring of love and support I have received. I guess what I mean to say is that everyone has their own struggles that they deal with and mine is no different. People assume I must be "devastated" with such a diagnosis and the thing is, I'm not. Life goes on and nothing has changed for me except for a few finger pricks and injections here and there.

The truth of the matter is, I don't want my peers (close family and friends) to begin to resent me for the attention this disease has garnered for me. I do need their support and understanding because there will be days where I absolutely don't feel well. But don't we all have days like that?

I didn't ask for this to be a part of my life, but it is. In fact, I begged people not to treat me any differently because I don't see this as an "uphill battle" that I now have to fight. I see this diagnosis as a part of my life that maybe one day, with any luck, will inspire others. A life that might grant insight and shed some light on the illness in adults. A life that perhaps one day could provide some kind of scientific research for doctors that could help save someone else's life. God has a plan and it's bigger and better than any plan I could have ever had for myself. I'm strong enough to handle this and brave enough to do it with a smile on my face, and it's all because my strength comes from the Lord. This disease, while potentially life-threatening, is no different than the many different kinds of struggles you all face everyday. This one just happens to be mine.

Life is so beautiful and even when it's ugly, there is still light. And until heaven meets earth, I am still going to live life the way He intended us to live it- full of love and rich with purpose.

The power of prayer is true and it's real. Don't waste another day unhappy- we've all got something we're dealing with and you never know when one phone call could change your life.

Lottery of the World

What would you do if the world awarded you a million dollars? I would invest, travel and write. Perhaps that's what I should be doing anyways. Write, travel, invest. Write until your heart bleeds because you've bore your soul open with the truth. Travel even when you are down to your last dollar. The riches of the world will repay you a thousand times over. Invest your time with the people who make you a better person. Invest your love everywhere you go. Invest your soul in a life that seeks to serve others. Forget the bitterness of yesterday and invest only in today so tomorrow holds a brighter future for all those whose paths have crossed yours. And never forget, a smile is the most beautiful thing you can put on. Wear it everyday.

Travel Thoughts from New Zealand

Written on my trip, March 28, 2014.

New Zealand reminds me of home, but warmer somehow. The people are older and don't seem to be preoccupied with upholding a certain image, which is such a beautiful thing to see. After living in a place for almost a decade where image is everything, it is delightful to be brought back down to earth for a moment. And maybe that's just me and not New Zealand at all. Maybe when you are around a bunch of people you don't know in a different country, it changes you. Maybe you free yourself, in a way, from the shackles that bind you in everyday life. The unknown sets you free and let's you fly. The daunting uncertainty of it all is just another false image, one that denies you of the absolute freedom in being yourself. Here, you can be anyone you want to be, but why would you want that? Because here, you can be you.

Jigsaw

If life is one big puzzle that we're supposed to put together, 
I think I just found another piece that fits in mine. 

The piece, while rough around the edges, is painted brilliantly with colors of kindness. 

Glimpses of the future slowly become visible across a vast emptiness of a story that's dying to be told. 

Of a picture that's dying to be painted. 

It's a little piece that fits, but it grew my heart a lot.

A Man Like You

Happy Birthday to my dearest Grandma aka "Kool Kat" and may he live on in our hearts forever.

I think it's been 18 years since you took your last breath, 
And not a day goes by without a thought of you in my head.
If I could, I'd bring you back, if only for a day
There's nothing more that I want than to hear what you have to say.
The way you shot home videos and only focused on her
Her smile, her laugh, and her special sense of humor.
I could tell you really loved her, I could see it through your eyes,
What a special love you had for all of your life.
I know she really misses you even though she doesn't say it much
But when I ask about you her eyes light up and she tells me of your gentle touch.
If you were here I'd hug you first and never let you go
To make up for all time lost when you couldn't watch us grow
But it's alright and it's ok because if you were here I'd bet you'd say
That you love the woman I've become and my little sister too.
You've been watching all of us from Heaven with God and his whole crew.
You'd tell us not to lose hope or stop chasing our dreams
That we have so much to offer, that our hearts are strong and true.
And as you spoke I'd sit back in my chair and pray for a man like you.
If you were here we'd order up a couple of ice cold beers
And I'd get to know you as a man, a friend, and listen to everything that you hold near.
My single wish would bring you here so we could play a little game
I'd probably ask you what you loved the most and maybe your biggest regret,
About the time you fell in love with her or how you even met.
I'd ask you why you left so soon because we never had the chance
To know a man like you.
I think you'd tell me to live with love in my heart
Because that's what makes the world go 'round
And I know you're smiling down on us tucking us in every night
And making sure we're safe and sound.
A man like you is hard to find and we miss you everyday
But I want you know your spirit and soul live on through us in a truly special way.
Thank you for loving her so much and giving them the world.
The day we all meet again will be long overdue, but until then
We're all so blessed to have known and loved and had
A wonderful man like you.

In loving memory of my Papa, Tony Greenelsh.
May he rest in peace forever.
9.24.1934 - 8.23.1997