Fearless

I saw it in your eyes

A hollow emptiness that had no path to your soul

An emptiness deeper than the abysmal depths of the ocean floor

Still, you pretended to be my captain secretly hoping you would find the open door before I realized such thing did not exist.

Desperately wanting it to work, for what I’ll never know.

It was all a lie in the end

It was all a lie in the beginning.

You are a coward and nothing more

I believed everything you said

An image of hope appeared and I was excited

Excited for a new beginning, excited that you wanted me by your side

But it had all been a lie

You left and then you returned

The person I knew never returned though

You came back to me so eager to leave again

All of a sudden your heart no longer had feeling, when did you know?

One day we sailed on perfect water

The very next moment our ship crashed.

Actually, the captain abandoned the ship and it crashed into the rocky shore

I sank, you swam.

I gasped for air while the freezing cold water engulfed my body, paralyzing me

My lungs no longer worked

My arms and lips turned blue

My heart was frozen and stiff and sat in the pit of my stomach

I watched you float away on your life boat, the one that seats only one

You never even looked back

What remained was my soul

Somehow it escaped the cold, but it watched me still

Watching me flounder, watching water fill my lungs, choking and suffocating.

My soul escaped, bruised but mostly unharmed.

I felt your desperation, is that how you felt?

Wanting so badly for things to end, for the pain to leave my body

Drowning was better

For two whole days, I mourned the loss of my body but not my soul.

My body lay there lifeless in front of my eyes.

I had two choices

Resign or revive.

I thought maybe you didn’t mean it

I thought maybe you let fear grab the helm

I thought you were strong enough to regain control

Fear becomes obsolete and my soul, which for a moment was charred and sullen, suddenly begins to bloom

I run to the hills, green with life, and I don’t stop

Higher and taller than I have ever been before

The climbing seems easy now

At the top I see my soul, beautiful and glowing like a new ship making its debut amidst the vast ocean blue and sparkling in the sunlight

It is like a picture, so perfect, so young

The most beautiful ship I have ever sailed, and I’m sailing alone

But I am not alone the entire time

I stop along the way inviting people to sail with me

And as the strength of my ship parts the water seamlessly and with flawless effort, I remind myself that the fear of losing control of the helm is far more eviscerating than the fearless chance that I may crash into the rocks again. 

by Torrey McKnight