Love Letters

an excerpt...

My dearest,

Every minute that goes by without you is another minute that reminds me I may never see you again. I know it’s not what it should be, but I know what it was and what it could be. I haven’t given up on us, even though you told me it’s over. It’s been hard to sleep because you appear in my dreams over and over again. In fact, we went paintballing just the other night. 

You’ve given me such a beautiful gift that you deserved equally from me a long time ago. Things have changed since then- but they had to change for both of us, I believe. There are so many things that have happened in the last six months that have given me a perspective I didn't have then. I want to share that with you. And I know it may be too late to ever get you back now, but I'm still hopeful and I know we can make it work. When I envision my future, it’s you that stands out so brightly on the horizon. There's no one else I want to make happy. Still love you forever.

xo.

Love Letters from an American Psycho

an excerpt...

My dearest,

I drove by your house last night. Your door was open and your lights were on so I knew you were home. Even still, I drove through the alley to see if your car was parked. It was, and a surfboard lay peacefully strapped to the top. For a moment, I contemplated leaving a note, but I'm still trying to respect your wishes, even though you appear in my dreams over and over again and I can't get you out of my mind. I really miss you. More than I ever thought I would.

I had a dream about you last night too, which wasn't the first and won't be the last. I drove by your house again. I know it's crazy but it's the only way I feel like I get to see you, even if only for a moment; and even though I don't really ever see you. Just pieces of your life. You don't return my calls or texts. I feel like you hate me. But I drive by still, just to see a little piece of you. In my dream I had to park quickly behind another car because I saw you coming outside. You filled your tires with air and then sprayed them down. I thought you wouldn't see me, but you did. And as I hid in my car with my head down praying to God you would walk away, you stuck the hose through my sunroof and sprayed me. I'm drenched and I look up at you with an unapologetic half smile and I just shrug my shoulders. I'm so relieved to finally see you again.  Even under these circumstances, you smile at me and it calms my nerves enough to take a breath. We get in your car and you just put your arms around me and hold me, tears welling up in both of our eyes. You tell me you're so happy I still think about you. I think you thought you were out of my life for good. No words come to my mouth even though thousands of them are flying through my mind. I think back to the dozens of letters I've written you in the last few months. They sit sealed up nicely in one envelope in my top dresser drawer, collecting dust because I promised myself I would never actually give them to you. And even with all those words, I now have nothing to say. You're happy to see me. I thought you hated me. I'm in your arms, where I should have been all along. And right in that moment I make a promise to myself that I would never let you down again and that as long as I live, I'll do anything and everything in my power to make you happy. Things have changed. We have changed. But our love for each other remains the same. I was wrong for a lot of things, and I am so incredibly sorry. Wish I had the chance to tell you that.
I woke up confused and sad, knowing that none of it was real. It felt real. I wanted it to be real. I would have given anything for it to be real. I love you, and I hope to see you soon. Most of all, I hope you are truly happy.

All my love. xo.