Just A Simple Little Prayer

Dear God,

Are you there? I just want to talk to you for a moment. I only need a few minutes of your time, I know you're busy. You see, there's a lot of fear down here. People's souls are being trapped within their own minds under a bed of rusty, old nails that point in every which way. Where there isn't a nail, there is a mine. You escape the nails only to step on a mine which shatters your hopes and sets a flame to your dreams. It took years for those dreams to be built and only seconds for them to be engulfed in a red and orange sea of flames. It's like a war zone and we're all left in a million little pieces. People are scared, God. The fear in people's eyes sends a searing pain through my heart, almost like I can feel every emotion they have held hostage for all these years. I cry tears of acid rain that burn my flesh. Hot on my skin, trickles of a sticky red substance bleed in crooked lines painting a river along a snowy path. This prayer is for anyone who is sad.

Make their pain disappear. Set their disillusions on fire and let them soar higher so that they can be free to just live and let their hearts sing like a choir. You know those traditional sky lanterns that get released into the sky at weddings and special celebrations? And the sky gets lit up with thousands of little lights that shine for the world to see? That's kind of how I imagine it happening. We're all bursting at the seams, God, desperate to be loved, secretly just wanting one person to understand us like You do. There is so much evil here God, so much hatred. If it's not too much trouble God, can you please just be here with us? Sit with us, listen with us, talk with us? Come into our hearts and give us strength, enough strength so that we can all be unbroken? Give us the courage to never give up and open our eyes to the real beauty of life. Cleanse our souls of everything that is wrong and fill us up again with everything that is right. I know there are a lot of bad people out there, but there's a lot of really good people too.  And if you find anyone along the way that needs a friend, please feel free to send them my way.

Thanks God. You rock.

Enchanted

Whether or not we ever saw the trees while standing in the middle of the forest doesn't really matter anymore. We were never really interested in moral victories anyways. All we were interested in was finding that forest before the ticking time bomb playing over and over in our minds like a metronome just stopped ticking all together. We pointed the forest out on a map and we were given directions. Only, the map was just a bunch of lines and shapes and colors. Looked kind of like a child drew it for us. Unarmed and blind, we set off on this journey to find this forest.

Some people have described it as magical, beautiful, a once in a lifetime opportunity. We wanted to see it too. We wanted it so badly that our dreams soon became so convoluted of images of what we thought it might be like. There we were, standing together, inhaling deeply from the pit of our stomachs the freshest scent of lavender buds and Christmas trees. We saw the snow falling on the tips of our noses and caught snowflakes on our tongues, one by one. They tasted like cotton candy and peppermint. Off in the distance we could hear the roar of the biggest waterfall we have ever stumbled upon. But the water pooling at the bottom was warm and inviting. The mist sprayed through our hair leaving dew drops that made us young again. The animals played together in perfect harmony. There were charming little cottages where batches of warm chocolate chip cookies constantly came out of the oven. Soft and chewy on the inside, but crunchy on the outside. They were perfect. This forest was perfect. It seemed like everything had a place. It was everything we had ever imagined, and more.

We started our journey to find the allure of this forest. Laughing, and smiling, and being silly together, we speculated on the beauty that we would soon know. We were sharing this journey together, and it was special. Though, as we followed our road map, we became frustrated. We should be here by now, we thought. Where are the trees? The water? The cottages with the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies? We grew angry with each other, each blaming the other for getting us both lost. When we arrived to the place where the X had been marked on our map, we saw nothing but a plain, flat field that stretched on for miles and miles. There wasn't a tree in sight.

We yelled at each other for this place not being what we had so hoped for. We expected so much more than this. A shiny glimmer caught our eyes and we walked over to see what it was. A tiny river ran through this flat land and a child sat on the bank. We recognized this child. It was the same one who drew our directions to get here. He looked at us, wide-eyed and innocent, and spoke words we would never forget. "Isn't this the most gorgeous land you have ever seen?" Our jaws dropped and we stared at him speechless as he walked away picking up sticks and splashing in the water on his way.

In that moment, it dawned on us. This land is beautiful. Not because of the trees and the water and the fresh chocolate chip cookies. It's beautiful because it's simple. And it's beautifully simple because we could be with each other, really be with each other without all of life's little extras. We realized it wasn't the forest that we wanted, but rather our journey to this "forest" was what we needed all along. The mini metronomes inside of our heads stopped ticking. And when they did, we felt more alive than ever. It was the trip, not the destination that we fell in love with. It was just us- Raw, pure, alive. I guess it really is true that the best things in life aren't things. And that was the real enchantment of it all.

Seventeen.

We talk on the phone like we're seventeen again.

If only we were seventeen again.

You'd look at me and I'd look at you 

And we'd think it was love at first sight.

Neither of us have ever been burned,

We've never been broken.

When we smile, it'd be genuine.

We'd jump off a boat together

Holding hands, fingers criss-crossed, locked.

We'd hit the crystal blue water together

Screaming all the way down

But laughing all the way up.

We laugh until we cry tears of pure happiness.

Staring into each others' eyes, 

We pretend we're the stars of our own movie.

We wouldn't care about our clothes,

Now dripping wet.

Clinging to every curve of our bodies

Exposing all our flaws.

But we wouldn't care.

We're seventeen and we think we're the only people

Who exist in the world.
We kiss and we kiss.
We make out for hours and never even hear
The guy yell at us to get a room.

We haven't any expectations because

We have nothing to compare it to.

We feel the butterflies in our stomachs,

But at seventeen we actually like it.

We don't try to scare them away.

Our cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

And even though I just saw you ten minutes ago,

I already miss you.

But we're seventeen again and you miss me too.

You'd tell me you love me, 

Not really knowing what it meant,

Just knowing that's how you felt.

I'd tell you I love you too.

We think nothing in the world can break us up,

Because truth is, it can't.

We plan our lives together as if 

Together is how we'll always be.

Together forever is how we should always be.

My mom tried to warn me to slow down.

Don't rush things, she said.

But I'm seventeen. 

And all I really know is how I feel

So I just run with it.

We don't sleep because we spend all night 

Envisioning our perfect future 

Together.

Isn't this how it should be always?

The cruel world has no place interfering with love.
It has no right to taint us
And compromise the integrity of love's color.

If I could invent a time machine 

I'd take us back to seventeen.

Where time never ticks

And our hearts never lock.

Where windows stay open and

We give freely because that's all we know how to do.

They say the older you get

The more you know yourself.

And I guess that's true.

I do know what I want.

I want you. 

All of you.

I want you to be the center of my universe 

And I want to be the center of yours.

Together.

Forever.

Like we were then

At seventeen.

Trust Your Gut, Literally.

In August of 2011, I became extremely ill. I remember eating Taco Bell on my way home from a friend's house. Not my ideal dinner, I can assure you, but I was starving and it had a drive-through. Not more than an hour after I had my two soft tacos with meat and cheese only, I started to feel sick. That lasted for a week.

I'm talking excruciating stomach pain, in the bathroom every 15 minutes, every last drop of anything in my body exiting both up and down, a temperature of 103 degrees, sweats, chills, the whole shebang. I couldn't eat for a week and laid in bed, weak and ghostly. The now dry sweat from my forehead curled all the hair around my hairline and I looked like death had sucked all the life from me. I lost fifteen pounds, from where I'm still trying to figure out. Heaven knows, death may have been better.

The guy I was dating at the time apparently had the same thing. Mercifully, he picked me up from my house and drove us both to his parents' house even though he was just as miserable as I was. But he didn't want me to be alone and his mom is a nurse. Thank God for them. She made us eat oyster crackers and drink gatorade- all which left my body quicker than I could take them in. I just couldn't keep anything down.

After a week of this, I finally started to feel better. I was starting to eat again and my bathroom visits only occurred once every couple of hours instead of every 15 minutes. All of this was great news- except, I never fully recovered.

After what seemed like my near brush with death, I continued to have excruciating stomach pain every time I ate. It felt like the Grim Reaper took his machete on some crazy field trip slashing party through my intestines. The day after Christmas (4 months after death), my mom, sister, and I had some of my grandma's famous breakfast casserole while curled up cuddling on the couch watching Elf (one of my personal faves at Christmas time, by the way...). I started to get cold sweats again so I decided to take a shower in hopes that the warm water would soothe my stomach pain. In the shower, I started blacking out. I sat down, put my head between my knees, and let the water continue to fall on me. A moment later, I was throwing up. In the shower. That's the moment I knew something was seriously wrong.

A few days later, I went to the Rose Bowl game when the Oregon Ducks healthily beat the Wisconsin Badgers. (Go Ducks!) After the game, we came home to make some homemade pizza and enjoy a beer to celebrate the win. Once again, the Grim Reaper brought his machete to my stomach and slashed away. I was miserable and I hated life. A friend suggested I go gluten free. "Gluten free? Yeah right. I'm not allergic to gluten. I've eaten it my whole life and never had any problems."

I decided to see my doctor about all of this because it seemed that my condition was not getting any better. I was scared to eat for fear that it would upset me, but I was withering away and needed food- badly. My primary doctor diagnosed me with stomach ulcers and did one breath test for H.Pylori (a bacteria that can cause ulcers). That test came back negative. She prescribed me a double dose version of Prilosec for the ulcer. I took that medication for two days before I stopped. One, it gave me the absolute worst headaches on earth. And two, I wasn't convinced that I had an ulcer, especially without further testing. That was in March of 2012.

My stomach pain after that became sporadic. I never knew when it was going to hurt and I never knew what was causing the pain. I tried to keep a food journal but found nothing, since the pain happened so randomly. Also around this time, I started getting severe hives. My skin was extremely itchy. I scratched it. It flared up and swelled and it looked like I had been beaten with a cane.

I sought the opinion of another doctor. He ran blood tests for everything- including a test for lupus. He ran shingles tests for my skin rash. Everything came back normal. Go figure.

Over the summer, my stomach pain came and went and my skin started to clear up, although I would still get the occasional rash. Things had definitely calmed down. Still, I was sure I wasn't imagining all this and began to do some research. I remember coming across Celiac Disease in a brief surf sesh and thinking that this could be what I have. I told my friend in September that I thought that's what it was and he replied "I have a friend who has Celiac and she was really sick. I don't think you have that." So I let it go.

Fast forward to October 2012. I'm going to my friend's house to go swimming and all of a sudden, the pain comes back with a vengeance. I wanted to keel over and die. I tried curling up on the couch, I tried tea, I tried water. Nothing helped. Nothing but time. Eventually, it went away. You better believe it came back the next day though. I was ready to leave my house to meet a few girlfriends for dinner when it started again. I ended up going to dinner, eating what I could, and returning home only to throw myself on my bed, tears streaming down my face having to convince my mom that she didn't have to drive 3 hours to be with me- that I would be ok.

Meanwhile, I am at the point now where I cannot even run one mile without feeling like I'm going to throw up. This might not seem so odd except for the fact that I'm currently training for a half marathon and have been averaging 14-20 miles a week. I KNOW my body, and I KNOW something is wrong. Why won't anyone listen to me?

I decide it's time to seek a specialist's help. My doctor refers me to a gastroenterologist who looks me in my eyes, sensing I am about to burst, and tells me that he is going to help me. He immediately orders every test under the sun. In the mean while, he prescribes Zantac which I am to begin taking immediately. Let me tell you something, I never even filled that prescription. I knew I didn't have ulcers. I had more blood work done, a urinalysis, sent in stool samples, an ultrasound to look for problems with my liver, my pancreas, my gallbladder, gallstones- I had an endoscopy- you name it, I had it. Guess what? Everything came back normal. Everything except my iron levels for which he tells me to start taking iron pills everyday. Fine. That I believe.

The week I spent waiting for my endoscopy results, I started heavily researching Celiac. If you don't know about it, it's a gluten intolerance that destroys your intestines making it impossible to absorb nutrients and can cause an array of health problems- including abdominal pain and skin rashes (medically referred to as dermatitis herpetiformis). Bingo. Celiac can be extremely hard to diagnose for a number of reasons, which I won't get into here. It can also be triggered by different things- a serious illness, trauma, stress, pregnancy, etc. The bottom line is that people with Celiac cannot eat gluten. Period. I begin to replay the last year and a half in my mind- from my friend telling me to cut out gluten to me telling my friend that I think I have Celiac. I remember my symptoms, my pain, my frustration, my misery. I'm done with taking invasive tests and decide to take matters into my own hands. I've read blog after blog written by people with Celiac who were misdiagnosed for years. That's it. I'm cutting out gluten.

At first thought, I think there is absolutely NO WAY I can cut it out. I mean, gluten is literally in everything (even soy sauce and teriyaki sauce)! No more bagels, no more pasta, no more Dos Equis, no more baking cookies and cheesecakes. But you know what? That isn't so bad. I'm going to have to get creative with the kinds of foods I can eat and cook but in the end, I'll feel healthier and my energy levels will be restored. Fortunately, living in Los Angeles makes it a lot easier to find gluten free flours, doughs, and things as it has become somewhat of a "weight-loss" trend here. I'm actually really excited about this new challenge!

I have been gluten free for three days and so far no stomach pain. I feel really good actually. I plan to stay in "gluten free test mode" for at least a month to see how and if my condition improves. I'm keeping a very detailed food log as well to make sure I'm one, eating enough, and two, not eating gluten.

If you're reading this and have ever been frustrated with doctors' misdiagnoses, or if you ever doubted yourself, I have a message for you. Trust yourself! Trust your body! No one knows YOU better than YOU and that alone can be extremely powerful. Be empowered with your own voice. If I had listened to my doctors, I would have been on God knows how many medications, all in an attempt to treat things I don't have. Go with your gut and take steps to improve your own health. Gluten affects many of us and there isn't one test that will ever confirm that. I'm not advocating that people go gluten free as a fad, because this kind of diet can be difficult to maintain as many nutrients we need come from foods with gluten in them. However, I'm on a personal quest to get creative with cooking and baking- sans the gluten- and would love to share that with you!

Happy Holidays and Cheers to Good Health!
xo
T